Good Mourning

Good morning to you all.  God has been encouraging, challenging, and directing me to come out of hiding and begin to share myself with all of you.  I have resisted, hidden, made excuses, let my insecurities and fears drive me into the corner, and finally I stand in a place where I can no longer deny what He is instructing without stepping into intentional disobedience.  

2 Corinthians 4:7 states, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”  In ancient times, the most valuable documents were housed in highly decorated, but breakable, jars of clay.  Scripture teaches we are such jars, and that our bodies house great treasures.  These treasures are our God-given gifts and talents intended to edify and build up others.  In the breaking of the jar, God becomes evident and poured out on those around us.  

I am 50 years old, a child of God, mom, cook, gardener, avid reader, therapist, and life coach.  And I used to be a wife.  

I was widowed suddenly at the age of 46 after 15 years of being married to a beautiful man.  I have learned much about great pain and great hope.  I have been comforted by the life of Job, learned to choose the Refiner’s fire, and let go of fear.  I have learned there truly is a season for everything and that clinging to a season past only makes the heart sick. I have learned to trust and be intimate with God with a depth I never thought possible.  I have learned that “bottoming out” is just the beginning of my next breath, that healing beyond our understanding is available to us, and joy truly comes in the morning… and in the mourning.  

I believe one of the most soul-sucking fears we face is the fear of being authentic.  We hide who we are for fear of being rejected, mocked, ridiculed, and shamed.  And this blocks relationship, our deepest need.  We are created to live in community, yet we readily accept cheap substitutes to have a sense of what we need without taking the risk of authentic connection.  This is exactly why I have resisted stepping into this next venture; I fear exposure, failure, and shame.  So I have avoided surrender and obedience, and, as a result, the possibility of great satisfaction and reward.  I can not hold onto to fear and be surrendered at the same time.  

So, with that firm belief, I introduce myself to you with the hope that you will be gently curious to know me and that I will be a faithful jar of clay, broken, that God’s love and truth will pour out on all of you.  I realize that for this to happen, I must surrender, lay down self, let go of my need to protect and be private.  I have confused what is personal with what is private, and this has kept me from being obedient in my gifts.  May I be broken that I may know the faithful heart of God.  

And may we all have a good mourning. 

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