Depending on God

I am exhausted.  It’s been one of those weeks where there is more to do than usual, and most of it’s not going smoothly.  I’ve lost my balance and it’s showing.  I’m grumpy about things I wouldn’t normally care about.  I’ve let my focus be caught up in controlling things that really don’t matter.  I think that if I can just get certain things done and projects complete, somehow I will be fulfilled.  Life will be somehow easier or happier.  It’s the slippery slope of replacing acceptance with control, peace with temporal desires, trust with self-reliance, and vulnerability with didactic decisions.  

I can blame the circumstances.  But the truth is that the circumstances are always changing and not to blame.  I am not in control, and life is going to unfold before me with no respect for my needs, fears or preferences.  That is the issue that leaves me in discomfit.  In my sin, I want to be self-reliant and powerful and clever.  In real life, I am none of these things.  In God’s love, I don’t have to be.  

It’s never been about what I can do or others should.  We fail, we hurt each other.  Some have conscience about the damage they do and some don’t.  There are a lot of variables we face in life and relationship every singe moment of every single day.  So where does that leave me?  Where do I seek peace, joy, love and stability?  It can’t be in things that are always changing.  

I spent many years of my life demanding from others, chasing expectations and trying to control things around me to feel good.  The short version of this story is that none of them worked.  No person or situation could anticipate and meet my every need.  No person wanted to.  And I could no more do so for someone else.  

So I choose to acknowledge I am grasping for things that aren’t mine, for the acceptance of others, for security and love.  I choose to surrender all of my needs to the One who is both capable and desirous of meeting them, whose nature is unchanging.  I rest in His love and trust Him with the circumstances and to give me the desires of my heart as He promises.  I will accept the struggle and pain of not always knowing how my current concerns will be resolved and how my future needs will be met.  I will yield my impatience, my worry, my loneliness, and my insecurity as many times as necessary to find peace.  I will remember all the times He has met my needs and demonstrated His unchanging love.  I will depend on who God is and the promises He makes. 

Hebrews 13:8 (ESV)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Psalm 34:3-4 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

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